The Heart Who Can Know It.......

OK so a week ago I visited a friend in CA to see her new baby and it was nice we did not do much but I didn't plan to do much but see the baby so it worked. I cooked for us and we watched the US Open cause Venice was still in the running. Anyway all was good Monday Morning when I left. But when I got to the Airport I noticed a ticket on the window of the car and that is the start of it all. My flight was delayed, and packed. When I got home to CHGO it was raining no biggie. My husband was there waiting for me that was all that was important. When we met up he told me that my friend had called before I got home and talked to him about my weight and how she was concerned. This bothered me on 2 levels 1. She had already talked to me about it. and 2. She's is my friend and only knows Andre through me but now she is going into an off limit area. This I feel would make him think about me differently like how pathetic I am that I have no real friends that the ones that I have cannot even talk to me about their concerns. It has been a weeks since he told me and I cannot get my mind off of it. I just did my work this week and existed. On Saturday I had a hair appt. and needed to take my Laptop to FEDEX to send it back (when I went to use it Monday night the hard drive was corrupted and she was the last user). But I had diarehha and some vomiting before I could even leave the house, so I slept after coming home from the hair shop. Only this morning did I realize what I needed to do was restart my anti depressants because I had weened myself and thought I was doing well but I realized that I now need them to get on with my life that is what they are made for after all. Here is the pic that she insisted on taking of me with the baby.

Visit

My mom is visiting from CA, she came for her B-day and we went to see the Color Purple and also visited Detroit for our cousin's 80Th B-day. We have had a fun and tumultuous week it is hard to be around my mother because I cannot get it right whatever it is. It is like I am supposed to know what she is thinking and of course I am not a mind reader. Anyway she does things backwards anyway. I was making dinner and she was busy eating snacks so when diner was ready she was like " I am not hungry. But yet she dipped her fingers in the sauce just to taste it. And when she sat down to eat some chips and dip she actually placed her plate on top of my laptop like it was a table or like the laptop was not movable. It sucks when you don't know what a person is thinking. On the other hand she did a really sweet thing for me and that was to decorate my living room. She purchased two rugs and also a movable chopping block and other items to make my space nicer. I appreciate the gesture. But then she wanted to stop to get some beer and I told her that there were no suitable stores near my home she insisted on stopping at one anyway I gave her a $5 and she went into the store and came out with a $3.00 six pack of RC cola only to get home and drop two that explode all on the interior of my car. What is one to do.

A Wave Of Emotions

I just could not do it today I tried but I had to turn around. I was struggling today to leave and keep my emotions in check. I left the house and while I was at the store I felt the tears welling up inside of me by the time I got to my ruck I had some anxiety and then when I got a hold of my mother it was all over. I just cried and cried not because I was angry but because I was seriously depressed. And it was almost to unbearable. My mom told be this is something that I get from the family she called it the family curse.

What A Week......

This week was full of events my B-day was last Saturday I have been 34 for one whole week. Well I got into my house from the hotel last Friday due to the cold spell breaking and my frozen/busted pipes being fixed and we have water once again. The little things do mean a lot like washing your face and hands. Anyway I finally met with my counselor and she was cool. I am not sure how things will go but I am hopeful. I got a ticket on my car Thursday 03/01/07 for vehicle registration and the sad part of all of that is that it had expired on 02/28/07. This was just the city cop trying to get brownie points hating on me as and employee of AT&T. Then my mgr. gave me a write up for a tardy from 02/20/07 meanwhile one that was cleared had not been corrected.

I had previously woke up Angry and after she gave me the write up I cried in angst not in fear or sorrow but because I felt trapped. Like there was no way to release the anger that was inside of me. This is something that I would not normally do but I could not hold it in. Then this morning I talked to my sister and she was telling me how stressed she was on her job. And this made me asked her was there more stress in her previous job or this one she said her current job was more stressful and I asked the obvious but don't you make less money at this current job than the old one and she replied yes. Then I asked her about a job she wanted to take with the County before she quit her previous one she stated that they had offered her the position and the money was 1/3 more that what she made at the County and she declined. Now mind you the current job pays about 45% less. I cried again while talking with he because she is struggling and for what? Because she feels that she is called to be a minister and I am thinking OK but God doesn't want you to suffer. And she has a BA in Accounting and is not using it. I would kill to have a BA in anything.

Happenings

Ok so I am going to try therapy for the first time. I will post how it goes and also I am working the diet thing; and finally getting speech therapy so that I can get my voice back into shape. So we shall see how this all pans out.

Cookies

My husband gets upset when the little things are discussed; and I think that the little things need to be discussed. Man then he gets pissed when I talk to others on the phone or discuss things that he is not aware of.